A little to the left

I’m back in the corridor once more, and it fills me with joy to see those two black jackals sitting at the sides of your bedroom door, Anubis and Anpu; I can only tell them apart because Anpu is always to the right and also is missing the tip of the ear from that time I had to stumble with you on my back almost black out drunk so I could put you into bed.

I sit there for a minute before patting his head, comforting myself.

I can’t believe I’m back, I have missed this place so much.

I turn around and roam the house, the piano is full of dust, the kitchen left a mess and the living room still looks half decorated, you managed to buy those two statues with the money you were supposed to use for the living room but I can’t blame you, I would have done the same.

When I finally go back, I stand there, in front of the door with both hands in my pockets before taking a deep breath and walking into your bedroom, everything looks the same.

The wardrobe is half open, and I can only see black and leather, the chest of drawers has about 10 different rings scattered all over and in the corner sits the only plant you have in the whole house, my boston fern, now gone wild and overgrown.

I turn around and you’re in bed, my eyes tear up and I run to you, I hug you while you sleep and cry.

I thought I had lost you forever, I knew I had lost you forever, and then it hits me.

You are dead.

I look up, my eyes meet yours and I freeze.

Those blue piercing eyes are looking at me again, lovingly.

Please don’t do this to me.

I keep crying fixated on your gaze, I feel the warmth of your blood against my skin; I know exactly what is happening now.

I take a moment before I finally look at my hands, I know when I do it all goes into motion again, we have been here before and I have done everything a million times to keep looking at your eyes, your beautiful eyes.

I see the blood on my hands and I panic, there must be something I can do, I don’t want this to happen again, I panic and next thing I know we are back on that damned field and there is blood everywhere.

I scream and scream for help until I lose my voice, I hold your hand while you look at me, I know you shouldn’t be able to be looking at me. You’re gone.

I wake up crying, shivering and alone but I can still feel your gaze piercing through me.

If only I had held on a moment longer, if I hadn’t woken up.

If I get to pass the test I find myself on the same field at night, holding onto my knees, crying and I can try and hear your voice once again call my name, a nickname no one calls me no more, a name that died with you and was left on that field even if I still use I sometimes.

I miss you so much my wicked man, I hope you found some rest.